I suppose because of Mother’s Day, like you, I’ve been thinking about mothers lately. I had a remarkable mother, and one day I’m going to write a glowing tribute to her and she’ll deserve every word. But I’ve been blessed with two moms, and right now I want to write about my “other mother,” my mother-in-law. None of the snarky jokes about mothers-in-law would rightly apply to her. Yes, she was only human and no, she wasn’t perfect. But I think she’d be an inspiration to all of us who are currently serving in the challenging role of “mother-in-law.”

I met her for the first time at the airport. She and her husband and daughter had just flown in for the wedding. The first thing she did when she stepped off the plane was to give me a warm hug. Did you notice that I said “the first thing”? She hugged me before she even hugged her son. That sent an incredible message to me: you are part of my family now and you are every bit as important to me as my son. Wow. I was stunned. And until she passed away, she continued to treat me that way. It gave me a sense of security and belonging.

She and I were very different, but she never—and I’m not using this word lightly—never criticized me or made me feel inadequate. She certainly could have. She was an attractive woman, kept her hair and nails immaculately groomed, could sew, play the piano, arrange flowers, decorate cakes, and do all sorts of arty crafts. I was good at none of those things. But she recognized what I could do and affirmed me often. She built me up and never tore me down.

To her, family was the most important thing, and she communicated her love in so many ways. She turned every special occasion, especially Christmas, into an extravaganza of delight with gorgeous decorations, beautifully wrapped gifts, and wonderful dinners. She baked birthday cakes to order, especially fulfilling my children’s fondest fantasies.  We lived several hundred miles away, and before we would come for a visit, she always asked what each of us wanted to eat and drink. I had to be careful how I answered because I knew she’d knock herself out getting every last thing on the list. When we arrived, she had treats and toys waiting for the children on their pillows. She was clearly excited to see us and often teared up when we left. She and my father-in-law would stand in the driveway waving until we were out of sight. I never doubted that she loved me or my children.

As I think back, I’m sorry that I never told her I thought she was the best mother-in-law a girl could ever have. If you think your other mother is a gem, I hope you’ll take a few minutes today to tell her so.

The challenge of having four amazing daughters is that I’ve given a lot of advice over the years, some better than others. Any advice stems from who I am at that moment, and the conversation in process. Here’s a message from my daughter Katelyn:

“One thing you told me about relationships that I’ve shared with others is this, “Every relationship is either a lesson or a purpose, there are many lessons, but only one purpose.” Maybe your next article can have that.”

I have no idea what we were discussing, or when I tossed out this advice. I’m intimidated that my words are being repeated as – profound. I’d like to take the easy way out and state the purpose always relates to love, connection, and our growth as a person. That’s a good answer. It’s generic and it’s also true for lessons.

But my daughter asked, so: PURPOSE – to intend, resolve or plan. LESSON – something to be learned

I assume I meant that the single purpose of a relationship relates to the spiritual intention of being connected to that person. This purpose is framed by the specifics of the relationship; whether it is family, professional, or personal. Except, any relationship is always a dual purpose because there is a requirement of “two” for a relationship.

In fiction, the character purpose is defined by the role they play within the story in relation to the hero; mentor, villain, sidekick, victim, spiritual ideal, lover, jester, etc. A life story exists on a grander scale. It’s a saga of unwieldy proportion and we can all play these roles for others during the span of our human experience. But again in fiction, there is always an inciting incident and a goal, and the characters will either succeed or fail in their purpose because of the relationship.

Fiction mirrors life except there’s really only one story in process within a specific time frame of the movie or novel. So here’s my example of a single purpose, personal, life relationship:

A grade school friend, called Bobbi, fulfilled her purpose in my life to inspire my sense of adventure and love of creating stories. Our relationship lasted from age 9 to 14. Because of her – I played softball, helped out at a kennel and at dog shows, rode horses. All these experiences included many lessons. She was also my cycling buddy. We rode many miles daily, during the summer. On a bike hike through a park, we came across an old burnt mansion and that day we imagined a ghost story together. I wrote it up but she had lost interest in it. That began my pounding the keyboards phase, it was a manual typewriter. I have no idea what purpose I fulfilled in her life other than temporary sidekick. However, I still love cycling and will always treat dogs as one of my family and make sure they have good manners.

An example of a single family purpose is easier because there are labels for the unique family relationships: sibling, parent, spouse, child, and with that purpose there is the opportunity for playing many roles through each other’s lives and initiating numerous lessons. I’ve played many roles in my daughters’ lives, from mentor to villain, from friend to jester.

Professional relationships can also have as broad a purpose as business partner, or as specific as mentor, or as fleeting as classmate. I truly believe every relationship we nourish is because there is intention on our part, to do something specific together for our life journey. Everything else is dynamic roles and a variety of lessons to achieve our well being.

Everyone has a purpose and whether we meet our goals or fail is based entirely on our point of view.

In the 2001 film “Legally Blonde,” Reece Witherspoon’s character, Elle Woods, sported her constant companion, Bruiser, from Beverly Hills high school sorority to Harvard law school, always fully accessorized with complementary outfits for every occasion. I also had returned to school, though for me this sojourn down “academia lane” in pursuit of a new degree was after decades away. Part of my studies included a steady progression of sculpture classes. With a focus given to sustainability and eco design, I chose materials that were elements either natural or reclaimed. Hence, I came up with the idea to fashion Poodles from the ubiquitous clear plastic water bottles.

When I went to L.A. to ring in the New Year with friends last December, I made a Poodle that would be an easy “carry on size” and took it along. We went to another friend’s home in Bel Air, (envision scenes from Disney’s 2008 film “Beverly Hills Chihuahua”). They had a dog, Chloe, who was a very gentle spirit, but quite camera shy. I managed to snap a shot just as she realized a camera was present and took a rapid retreat out back to the poolside gazebo. Not quite as froufrou as the pampered pooches depicted in the aforementioned film, Chloe wore no coordinated outfits, though her home was fancy digs.

Now, having just finished this degree mid-June, I went back on campus with the Poodles to take a photo there. Mother Nature seemed as reactionary as Chloe was to the camera. No sooner had the shutter closed and the skies opened up. I clutched the Poodles, (five in all: Fifi, TouTou, Piddles, Fido, and Simone), in my arms and high tailed it back to the car. I suddenly recalled the celebrity image of the clutched petite pup, (a la Paris Hilton or Brittany Spears). Of course, mine was not a highly coifed red carpet stroll, but rather a mad dash on wet pavement in slippery flip-flops with my hair pasted to my head resembling soggy worms – oh, the height of glamour, to be sure.

So, do tell gentle reader, what (or perhaps who) are some of your favorite accessories? Do you sport a “best friend” about town with you? Care to share any stories of adventures, mishaps, or social strolls?

Thanks,
Cathy Rae Smith

by Jen Rouse

In the past 10 years or so, I’ve gotten really into baking bread. I love kneading the dough, smelling the warm, yeasty smell as it rises, and most of all eating the finished product. There’s nothing better than a good loaf of home-made bread.

I also have learned how to make jam; how to raise my own vegetables; how to preserve them; and even how to sew a few quilts.

These are old-fashioned kinds of hobbies, I admit, but I enjoy them. And, because they are old-fashioned, I assume, people sometimes ask me, “Oh, did you learn how to do that from your mom?”

The simple answer is no. The bigger answer is yes.

You see, my mom was not into any of those things. We sat down to a home-cooked meal every night of my childhood. But it was not usually anything elaborate. My mom worked hard, every day, as an elementary school teacher. Dinner was something she threw together after she came home from work, and as soon as we’d cleared the table she was sitting down to grade a stack of papers. Spending hours in the kitchen fussing over bread or adjusting the seasoning in the soup was not a part of her daily routine.

She did try to teach me to sew, a time or two, but I wasn’t that interested and it didn’t really take.

As a kid, my mom–like many other children of her generation–didn’t get summers off to play in the sprinkler and read books, like I did. She and her brothers went out to local farmers’ fields and spent hours picking berries or beans. I think that as an adult, she enjoyed NOT spending her summers working out in the vegetable garden. During my childhood summers I remember her taking us to the lake or the river to swim a lot, or catching up on projects around the house that she never had time for during the school year. So I didn’t learn to grow vegetables from my mom, either.

Here’s what she did teach me: how to figure things out for myself.

My mom is a teacher. And the best kind of teacher is not the one who feeds you information, but the one who teaches you how to learn. She took me to the library more times than I can remember. She filled our house with books and gave me time to read them. If I had a question about something, she would show me how to look it up and find the answer myself. If I had a question I couldn’t solve on my homework, she or my dad would help me with it until I could figure it out. She showed me every day what it was to be a smart, hard-working, productive person. Giving up or not completing a task were not options.

And so, in my 20s, when I suddenly found myself wondering how one goes about canning applesauce or sewing a quilt, it didn’t occur to me that these were the kind of domestic mysteries that could only be passed down in a sacred fashion from one generation to another. I bought a book on canning and studied quilting websites online until I had a pretty good idea of what to do–and then I went ahead and did it. After all, I knew how to read, I knew how to study, and I knew how to keep trying until I’d mastered something. What else could I possibly need to know?

Confidence in my own ability to learn. How to find information when I need it. Perseverance when things get frustrating. A strong sense in the value of working hard at something. She gave me all these things–and, in turn, all the knowledge, skills, and hobbies I’ve picked up along the way because of them. That’s what I learned from my mother.

The gas wars have come to our home. It is subtle, passive, but still present. At first I thought maybe we were alone in this. When I would read articles or columns from the “experts” they would claim that rising gas prices were not effecting Americans and their spending. This was exacerbating to read, seriously? We are the only family whose budget is affected by the steep rise in filling up our tank?

Each month we preplan how we are going to spend our income. We allot various amounts into categories: food, utilities, gas, entertainment, house, car, spending money etc. And over the past few months the amounts that we have to spend in most flexible categories are getting less and less with one growing, ballooning classification: gas!

Just a minor three months ago, my husband happily drove his vehicle everywhere he could. He takes the boys to a soccer clinic on Tuesdays and Daddy’s Exterra is much cooler than mommy’s mini-van, go figure. (This is where you are supposed to chastise us for our vehicle choices and convince me that a family of five should squeeze into a Nissan Leaf. But if you faithfully read Joel Stein you’ll know that most people only make green choices when it benefits them financially, more fuel efficient cars cost much more initially than a used car, or is something they can easily afford.) The boys can feel the testosterone emitted from this machine even at their tender ages. It is the preferred vehicle of choice. And I didn’t mind. I told myself, “Hey, that means I won’t have to fill my van up quite as soon.” My husband is a little slower at noticing rising fuel prices. But a strange thing happened this last month: the Exterra stayed put on Tuesday nights. My husband claimed the car seats were too arduous to move from my van to his SUV. (Both vehicles get the same gas mileage.)

I knew the truth: pain at the pump.

I’ve tried to compensate. I actually schedule days to go nowhere, just stay local. We live an average of 30 minutes away from most market centers. There are a few items that we can get locally. Over the last few years I’ve slowly transferred by loyalties closer to home: dentist, hair dresser, home improvement purchases, mechanic, and basic grocery. But, not all things can be purchased close to home. Nor are all things cheaper close to home. And so I am forced to venture out a few times a week. I try and combine trips. We do a lot of errands after church. I’ve started to invite friends over to our house, instead of going their way. I count it a victory when no one opens the van door or starts the engine. (Did you know that the Greatest Generation has been the most environmentally conservative, even more than today’s Millennials that supposedly know better? Cause: forced cheap frugality.)

A few times when I’ve had to run to the store to get milk or bread, I grab Hans’ keys instead of my own because I know what’s going on here: a gas war. A cold war. Tension. Anxiety. It’s definitely slowly down our personal economy and making us chose between gas and other things we’d much rather spend our money on. I know that this is a 1st world problem. I have perspective. I am blessed and grateful, but I’m also a little irritated when I hear that the rising gas prices aren’t affecting Americans as much this time around because it feels pretty much the same as it did in 2007. How about you?

An Oregon newspaper woman featured on 60 Minutes for bringing down a corrupt sheriff is our woman of the month. Samantha Swindler is currently the publisher and editor of the Headlight Herald in Tillamook and the publisher of the Lincoln City News Guard, but her remarkable story began in Whitley County, Kentucky, where she was the editor of the Corbin Times-Tribune. She and a young reporter, Adam Sulfridge, gathered the evidence needed to convict a corrupt sheriff, Lawrence Hodge, and fifteen of his associates. The story was related by 60 Minutes on Sunday, May 6, 2012.

Samantha is the kind of woman I admire for several reasons. First, she is courageous. “I didn’t think of myself as brave at the time,” Swindler said. “I was mad. He [the sheriff] pissed me off. He was a bully and I was going to stand up to him.” She had to carry a gun because of threats against her life, but she didn’t back down from her investigation. “I wasn’t overwhelmed by fear,” Swindler said. “Somebody wants to play chicken, I’ll play chicken.” I respect that kind of courage. Second, Samantha cared about her community. “He [the sheriff] was hurting our community and I wanted to get him,” Swindler said. She was dedicated to making Whitley County a better place and was willing to do the hard work needed to get the job done.

I asked her how her new fame was affecting her life, and she laughed and said, “Since last Sunday I’ve gotten a lot of emails and followers on Twitter.” She has also been talking to Senator Betsy Johnson about sponsoring a bill to provide better access to Oregon open records. “I couldn’t have done in Oregon what I did in Kentucky,” she told me. She related how Oregon’s current laws make it too difficult and expensive to gain access to open records on the county and state levels. She is currently trying to get those laws changed. That’s another thing I admire about Samantha: she is proactive.

We in Oregon are fortunate to have Samantha Swindler on the job for us.

– Samantha Swindler is Oregon Women’s Report’s Hero of the month.   Please help us recognize the amazing women in our state by nominating your local hero or someone you admire.   Their story can be big or small. Click here for details.

A Mother Remembers . . . Passing through a special place

As a military family, we were always arriving or leaving somewhere, facing more challenges than staying in one place. One challenge I called the thread of continuity. That thread is so important in all our lives but especially so in a child’s—even more so when you move from place to place . . .

Of all the places we lived during our twenty-three years in the Navy, the most special in my heart was the time we spent on a little street in Richmond, Virginia, called West Avenue. It’s where our son was born. Over the years he learned, as we all did, that your home isn’t just four walls—it is all those things inside you that you take with you wherever you go.

When we left West Avenue, I wrote a poem. It was our son’s first home, the place we first knew him. I was sad to leave.

I called it “Passing Through.” It is a special reminder of my own early motherhood. The happiest day in my life was the day I became a mother. And so, I dedicate this poem, written in the spring of 1980 when our son was five months old, to all of you new and not so new mothers.

Happy Mothers’ Day. May your lives be filled with days and years passing through beautiful times and places.

Passing Through . . .
To leave you now makes me sad,  but to have met you at all has brought me joy.
I have come to know you but would that I could know you better.
You have touched me and I am not the same.
You have given me so much– my friends, my memories, and my beautiful little boy.
I’d like to stay and watch your children grow, to share your days and nights and another fall with you.
To watch your gardens change with every passing season and to see reflected in your face all the joys and sorrows of yesterday and today that make you what you are.
I cannot stay with you now, I’m only passing through, but I will take with me all that we have shared.
And so I say good-bye to your beauty and your charm. To all, and especially to you– farewell, West Avenue.

Olivia Rossi
aka “Mom”

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Mother’s Day is this weekend. Looking for the perfect gift? A few years ago my mom modeled for me a beautiful gift for her MIL:

When I was in my 20′s, I was always hanging out with friends—planning weekend trips, going out to eat, sitting in coffee houses and chatting for hours. Before that, my high school years revolved around a handful of close friendships; today, the friendships I made in my teens and 20′s are among the most significant relationships of my life.

However, as the mother of two young children, with many friends in the same position, I have far less time for my friends. It is not that those relationships don’t matter to me. They matter perhaps now more than ever.

When I was eleven years old and depressed about my parents divorce, my best friend helped me emerge from that sadness. I’m still grateful to that friend for what she did for me, providing wisdom and guidance that was well beyond her years. Since then, friends have always been there for me through life’s challenges. I wish we had more time—and made more time—for each other.

Naturally, when people couple up and have kids, they have less time for friends. Yet, the parents of young children need camaraderie for enjoyment and support and healthy breaks away from family. Studies about this topic have shown that spending time with friends is an effective form of stress relief and that people with meaningful friendships even live longer. Every now then, I go to a movie with a longtime favorite friend and it always re-energizes me.

If you, like me, are longing to see more of your friends, here is my advice: Keep it simple. Don’t over-complicate it or that might just delay the reunion even longer. Pick up the phone or send an email and ask a friend to do something. Do it now, before another day goes by. You’ll be glad you did.

Erika Weisensee is a writing mom and a native Oregonian.

by Shannon Ables

While I’m not usually one to latch onto seasonal trends, the revival of the pencil skirt that has continued to walk down the runways during the past few seasons has me smittened.  I guess the bigger question is, “Is it really a trend?” After all, if something is figure flattering, allows you to feel fabulous and can be paired with a limitless list of other items, isn’t it safe to call it a foundational piece of a woman’s wardrobe?

After having completed my spring shopping, I was thrilled to see so many stores carrying pencil skirts. It was only five years ago that they were much more difficult to find, and I must say I am over the moon to see them in so many different fabrics, textures, colors and prints.

Below are a few ways to welcome the pencil skirt (or any skirt) into your weekly fashion regimen.

1. A Piece of Art

If you are already someone who wears skirts, take a bold step and wear a pencil skirt with a beautiful print – for example Lela Rose’s printed cotton-blend skirt – that allows it to become the focal point. Pair with a solid blouse and nude heels and very few accessories will be needed as your skirt will be doing all of the talking.

2. Conservative Yet Chic

When it comes to work, choosing classic colors will always be a safe, but at the same time, stylish choice. Select navy, gray, black or camel and pair with a gorgeous silk blouse, corset belt and at least 2 inch heels (3 inches is my rule), as the pencil skirt helps to elongate the legs and the heels only help.

3. Show Some Curves

Whether you are boyishly thin or born with Christina Hendricks’ curves, pencil skirts should be your skirt of choice. While revealing your natural curves, they also reveal your feminine figure as they highlight a woman’s waist, hips and legs. While I don’t want to live in the Mad Men era 60’s, I certainly do appreciate them reveling in feminine fashions.

4. Pop of Color

Spring is a wonderful time to be a bit bolder when it comes to color choices. With neon and other bright colors adorning this seasons boutiques and department stores, choose something that flatters your skin tone and pair it with a simple blouse that doesn’t create competition. By wearing such loud colors but in a style that is quite classic, you maintain that chic-factor and simply look stylishly confident.

5. A Little Bit Longer

I prefer my pencil skirts just over the knee, for no other reason except it makes me feel more comfortable when I sit down.  Depending upon your height, consider changing up the length. Always keep it appropriate, but know that pencil skirts do not have to hit just above the knee as for so long many of us have been instructed.

6. Stylishly Casual

Just because you aren’t going to the office doesn’t mean you shouldn’t consider wearing a pencil skirt. Paired with a simple tee shirt or beautiful cotton tank top, an oversized boyfriend watch or statement necklace, a belt to cinch your waist and tote (oh, and don’t forget the heels), you can quickly create a fun and fashionable ensemble.

7. Exude Confidence

A woman who wears a skirt makes a uniquely different first impression compared to someone who wears trousers or jeans. A woman who wears a skirt (of an appropriate length) conveys an image of owning her femininity, subtly exuding confidence, and speaking volumes of her belief that being a woman and being taken seriously can indeed go hand in hand.

As you can see, there are many different ways to wear a pencil skirt. I don’t know about you, but I’m adding the pencil skirt to my wardrobe essentials list.

A few weeks ago, you may recall I reviewed Jennifer L. Scott’s book Lessons from Madame Chic, and one of the suggestions that I am currently working on incorporating in my life is the 10 piece capsule wardrobe. With that limited number, I know there will be at least two pencil skirts as they can easily be paired with multiple tops, blazers, belts, heels and sweaters. Certainly a simple way to remain chic and mix up your choices.

Whether you begin adding pencil skirts or an alternative cut design to your wardrobe selection, consider all that the skirt can do and revel in owning your femininity, but continuing to adhere to your very own unique signature style at the same time.

Fatisfy your hunger–How a little fat can go a long way
by Olivia Rossi, RN, MSN
Certified Clinical Exercise Specialist, Certified Personal Trainer, ACSM

Fat has been banished from cakes, cookies, ice cream, yogurt and a myriad more of our favorite foods. Since the advent of the first fat free cookie in the 1980’s obesity has more than doubled. Why aren’t our fat free and low fat foods making us low fat? Brian Wansink, author of Mindless Eating, has an answer: “The foods we don’t bite can come back to bite us.” Why?

You may really want a cookie, a real cookie, but you settle for the fat free kind. Have you ever reasoned that since it’s non-fat, you can therefore have two, or three—or more? Non-fat and low-fat foods often contain as many if not more calories as their “normal” cousins, compensating for the lack of fat with additional sugar and carbohydrates. They often also contain more salt. Why?

For one thing, fat carries flavor. That’s why, when fat is removed, sugar, salt and other ingredients are added to enhance the flavors we are missing. Fat isn’t all bad, nor should it be avoided. Our bodies need fat for vital functions—for our brains and cell membranes, for hormones and to aid in the absorption of the fat soluble vitamins—A, D, E and K. Fat also helps prevent hunger by staying in our stomachs longer, hence avoiding the “want more syndrome.” It helps regulate our blood sugar.

In a word, it makes food more satisfying. Adding fat to your diet can actually help you eat less because you are literally more “fatisfied.”

Contrary to popular belief, it isn’t fat that makes you fat—oh, it certainly can— but rather it is too much of anything that adds fat to our hips! Excess calories that aren’t used are stored as fat. That’s not news. Portion sizes in restaurants have increased two and threefold over the years. A helping is not the same as a serving. You might say that people’s proportions have grown in direct proportion to the size of the portion!

What to do! It’s been said so many ways, I thought I’d try it one more time. Watch your portions, know your good fats and your not so good fats—the unsaturated vs. the saturated. Last month I gave you a list of healthy foods on the Mediterranean diet—olive oils, avocadoes, nuts and nut butters, salmon . . .

On a personal note, I have recently switched my non-fat yogurt snack to whole Greek yogurt. Instead of eating a whole carton of the non-fat, I eat half-a-carton of the whole yogurt (ok, sometimes all of it) with some roasted, unsalted almonds and a few raisins for my morning or afternoon snack. It is so delicious and satisfying it keeps me from being hungry till lunchtime or dinner.

There is one more ingredient that I have to talk about that you won’t find on a food label—exercise and activity. It helps you burn fat. With the right amount and kind of fuel as input and an equivalent amount of exercise and activity as output, you and your body should be looking and feeling fine and your weight should stay constant.

Deprivation in eating or dieting doesn’t work. Avoiding that one thing you really want “. . . can come back to bite you . . .” You may end up eating everything in sight just to avoid that one “fatisfying” morsel. Try it and see. A little of something you really like can keep you from eating a whole bunch of “stuff” you really don’t need. Enjoy!

Yours in fitness,

Olivia C. Rossi, RN, MSN
Certified Clinical Exercise Specialist, ACSM
Certified Personal Trainer, ACSM

Last February when my girlfriend and I went out to lunch, she told me that she’d just refinanced her house. My curiosity was piqued. Over tostadas, she explained the process, and it didn’t sound as intimidating as I’d imagined. In the past, I’d put off looking into refinancing because I thought the process would be complex, time-consuming, and expensive. But my friend debunked my misconceptions. With her encouragement, I decided to look into it.

I’m so glad I did.

I took notes on the experience thinking that maybe I could help some of you. With so many of us struggling in these tough economic times, making wise decisions about money can be critical. Here’s what I learned.

First, the process isn’t complex or time-consuming. I kept track of every minute I spent on refinancing, and the grand total was less than five hours—four hours and twenty-two minutes, to be precise. I didn’t count the time I spent driving to and from the mortgage lender because I usually combined this with other errands. I also didn’t count the time I took to give my house and yard a thorough sprucing up before the appraiser came. I figured that I needed to do a spring cleaning anyway, so all I did was get a head start on the project. Always a plus.

Second, refinancing isn’t expensive. The lender folded the cost of refinancing (just over $2000) into the loan so that we didn’t pay anything up front. In less than two years, we will recoup this cost because our new house payment is $90 less a month. We took out a 15-year fixed mortgage at 3.25% interest and shaved several years off the life of the loan. Interest rates are at an historic low right now and won’t continue to be this low forever. The interest on our former 30-year fixed mortgage was more than twice as high.

All in all, I figured that we will have earned $18,000 in five years and five hours. The five hours (or less) is the time it took to do the refinancing. The $18,000 is the amount we will have saved in five years by refinancing. This isn’t a small chunk of change.

Does it make sense for you to refinance? It might. Everyone’s situation is unique, of course. If you’re planning to sell your house in the next couple of years, refinancing probably doesn’t make sense for you. But if you’re planning to stay in your current house for two years or longer, then it probably does make sense.

I can’t take you all out to lunch, though I wish I could, but I can pass forward the good deed my friend did for me by telling you about my refinancing experience. Check into it. You might find that it’s well worth the effort.

Have you followed this mess? A New Jersey woman is accused of taking her 5-year old tanning. She says her daughter got the tan while standing next to the tanning bed. The tanning shop owner says the daughter never left the shop lobby. The attorney says the daughter got the tan from working in the garden. Can they all be right? The video below spells out the case and the debate over women who are addicted to tanning.

Teenage girls. What comes to your mind when you hear those two words? I polled a few adults and here is what they came up with: attitudes, drama, emotional, catty, mean, lost, and confusing. Teenage girls as a whole are a population that not many adults know, or care to know, how to effectively deal with. Teenage boys bring their own difficulties, but we will leave that for a different day.

A good percentage of my practice is teen girls. I didn’t necessarily plan for this to be, but it happened. I believe God has made this as one of my niches and has helped equip me to speak their language and see past all the walls and masks they put up. Maybe it is because I am on the younger side (at least I think I can still say that?!) or maybe because I am not afraid of them, who knows. What I do know is that I have grown to absolutely love this population and would even go as far as to say that teen girls are my favorite. There are many reasons for this.

You see, everyone loves little babies. Then everyone loves when those babies turn into inquisitive, energetic toddlers. From there they become sweet elementary school kids. And then….these sweet, happy-go-lucky little girls begin to grow up. They begin to be more moody, sullen, and more unpredictable. They go from looking up to their parents and other adults to worrying mostly what peers and boys think of them. They seem to misplace their confidence and become more insecure and doubtful. Mix in hormones and puberty and it is the recipe for the perfect storm!

All the more reason for caring adults to be there consistently. Storms can be dark, scary, and ever-changing, just like the teen years. The teen may not advertise it, but she needs love and guidance just like she did as a child, but in a different way.

I love it when a teen girl enters my office, clearly not wanting to be there. How do I know she doesn’t want to be there? Oh, it is so painfully obvious. She will stomp in, sit at the edge of the couch as far away from her parent as possible, as if she could bolt at any second. She will fold her arms, sit back, and alternate horrific glares between myself and the parent who “is forcing” her to be there. She will answer an emphatic “no” when asked if she wanted to come in. Any other question is typically met with “I don’t know”, “I don’t care”, or silence. I get so excited when this happens. I know that sounds odd, but it is true. Because the vast majority of the time, give it a few sessions, and that same girl will be lounging on the couch, making eye contact, and telling me more than I actually even want to know. I get to see prom pictures, piercings, report cards, and private journal entries. I am expected to remember the names of best friends and boyfriends, which is quite a feat since both seem to change on a weekly basis. So many girls have ended up telling me that they went from loathing coming in to looking forward to it each week.

Why? I would like to say I have a special magic wand or a secret formula, but I don’t. What I offer to them is what they are so desperately seeking: safety, respect, consistency, boundaries, and a listening ear. See, it’s not that most teens don’t want to talk or share their feelings. It is so hard to share your feelings when you yourself don’t even know what you are feeling, or when you don’t feel you are truly being listened to. Often you have to let the teen guide the conversation. They need to know that what they have to share, even if it is “bad”, against the rules, or harmful will be met with care and concern, not over-reaction or criticism. You have to learn how to join their world, to connect in ways that interest them. For example, one of my angriest and most defiant teen girls softened and began to open up when I told her she could share a song from YouTube with me from her phone every week (or from my phone if hers had been taken away, which was often the case) that described the place she was in or something to do with her and her life. Perfect way to start our sessions (except much of the time I have never even heard of the groups, so I think that officially makes me old). We would discuss what the lyrics meant to her and go from there.

Many teen girls come in with eating disorders or cutting (both topics for another article). These high risk self-harm behaviors are a physical representation of very real and intense internal pain. Through connection, acceptance (of the person, not the behavior) and loving patience, teen girls can come to share their pain and begin to move past it and develop healthier coping skills to manage the turbulence of life. We have to remember that kids and teens are facing pressures earlier and earlier, such as alcohol, drugs, porn, and sex. They simply are not equipped to manage such demands, and that is why they need our help and support.

If I were to write a book containing the success stories I have seen from my clients in my practice, it would largely recount stories of teen girls. Although there is a lot of “push-pull” in those years, we adults need to remember not to take it personally, and to provide love, a place to talk, hugs and “I love you’s”, even when the teen does not appear to want it. The truth is that they need it, and will struggle without it. They need to hear what they are doing well, not just what they need to work on. “I am proud of you” goes a long way; be specific about what you are proud of. Provide boundaries and consistent follow-through, in a non-reactionary manner. Support them in what they are interested in, even if that means they choose music when you wanted them to choose soccer.

So put your rain gear on and enter the storm with your teen or a teen in your life. You won’t be sorry. It is an honor and privilege to walk alongside someone who is trying to navigate life and to be their safe place to land when needed. Truth be told, I learn just as much from my teen girl clients as they learn from me. I worked for several years with a girl who had attempted suicide a few times before she started seeing me, as the pain she felt from losing her own parent to suicide was just too much. I was brought to tears when near the end of her treatment she brought me a mug she had personally made in pottery class at school and said, “This is for you because you care about me. I know that you are my angel who saved my life. Thank you.” Wow. I am certainly no angel, but she is right in that I cared tremendously about her well-being. She did the work, and I was right beside her cheering her on. You don’t need to be counselor to be an anchor for a teen girl in your life when they need it most.