October 8, 2008
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October 8, 2008
By Erika Weisensee
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, an appropriate time to bring attention to some startling figures. Approximately one in four women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime, according to the Centers for Disease Control and the National Institute for Justice. Domestic violence is a pervasive social problem that affects people (and yes, men, too) of all ages, races, and socio-economic backgrounds. Yet, studies consistently show that young women are disproportionately vulnerable to domestic and dating violence.
It’s impossible to know the exact numbers of teens affected by dating violence because of the reality that many incidents go unreported, but even the conservative numbers are cause for concern. According to the website of Bradley Angle House (www.bradleyangle.org), a domestic violence program in Portland, at least one in ten teens experience dating violence.
So, how do you keep teens safe? “Talk to your kids,” says Susan Cazier, who works at Clackamas Women’s Services. She encourages parents to educate themselves about the warning signs of dating violence and then teach their children to be alert for “red flags” in their own and their friends’ relationships.
Common “red flags” of dating violence include a partner who is extremely jealous, pushes for quick involvement, isolates the victim from friends and family, has mood swings, engages in frequent name-calling, and has a history of physical violence to people or animals. Just one or more of these signs is reason to be on alert.
Cazier says text-messaging has given abusers another way to control their partners. Many dating violence victims are harassed by partners who text or call them excessively to keep track of where they are. This becomes dangerous, Cazier says, when there is a “consequence” involved, like getting in trouble with your partner if he (or she) doesn’t know where you are.
Because kids seem to be “dating” younger and younger, Claire Barrera, youth program coordinator for the Bradley Angle House Emergency Shelter, says age 11 or 12 is an appropriate time to talk to most children about dating violence. However, conversations about respect and personal boundaries should begin much earlier. Pre-schoolers should be taught to speak up if and when someone hurts them or “when something feels yucky,” she says.
Many parents hit a roadblock when it comes to talking to teens about relationships. Barrera suggests fostering open dialogue by trying to engage in conversation, rather than lecturing. If you feel that you’re getting nowhere, many agencies are available for help and advice. The Bradley Angle House crisis line (503-281-2442) answers calls from around the country. Other helpful phone numbers include:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233 The Multnomah County Crisis Line, 1-800-716-9769 The Oregon Youth Line, 1-877-553-TEEN (8336)
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Domestic violence is a topic that people are still uncomfortable hearing about. Society has moved a great distance forward in the past 20 years regarding domestic violence. The warning signs and open communication that Erika suggests are a great place to start with our children. Thanks for bring this infomation to our attention.
Talk to your kids? Maybe if parentst remembered their names. Turn off the tube, pull out teh kids’ ipod and talk to them!
Thanks for your compelling post on domestic violence month, Erika. The voices and stories of women who are involved in these abusive relationships should not be kept silent.
Unfortunately, dating violence often includes birth control sabotage and other forms of sexual coercion that all too often go unrecognized as forms of abuse. I am working on an initiative from the Family Violence Prevention Fund called kNOwMORE (our Web site is http://knowmoresaymore.org) to make the link between relationship violence, coercion, and reproductive health consequences. I hope that we’ll be able to work together!
The text message issue is something that many parents might overlook because they either are not as tech-savvy or that they never bother to monitor their kids’ phone. When it comes to teens and technology, nothing can be taken for granted. To be effective teh teen needs to know at the point of getting the phone that it still belongs to mom. This will make it easier when you need to pull back on their rights.
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Fantastic article for ORWomen’s magazine Erika. Thanks for your report on a topic of great importance to families across Oregon. Having only sons to raise, my vision has been from their perspective. Young men need to be vigilant about not dating teen girls. With false charges that can be brought that can ruin their lives, I’d suggest that if young girls come on the scene it is a “red flag” to leave the party! Bottom line, both women and men, boys and girls need to focus on healthy, responsible relationships. Certainly, both need to steer away from situations that can pose danger. Absolutely, no violence can be tolerated.